Late one summer morning, the 16-year-old with whom I have developed a mentor/mentee relationship told me she was excited to start the new school year. And then her voice became a little softer as she expressed some apprehension as she wondered out loud how much bullying the new academic year would bring. How enraging it is to watch a beautiful 16-year-old agonize over whether or not the coming year would bring jovial victories or terrorizing defeats.

About four years ago, I landed my dream job, with my dream company…or so I thought. When I think about the infinite ways someone can be wrong about something, I think about this job because man, was I wrong in an infinite number of ways and then some. Having high expectations and a huge amount of hope regarding something that you have worked very hard for only to have all that shot down in an instant is disheartening. It’s downright sad. My bullying story:

“We are happy to offer you the position” are words that bring an amazing amount of excitement and relief. So, duh, of course I accepted the position. Anyhoo, once I started my day to day job in my new place of employment, once the angels stopped singing everyday as I pranced into my new office, once the trumpet horns ceased greeting my entrance to work, I came to realize that this particular job role was not for me. I could have and I would have toughed it out to stay at my dream company had it not been for the insurmountable task of conquering a bully. I thought working at my dream company would eventually allow me to smile and tell my children, “kids…choose a job you love and you will never have to do a day of work in your life.” But those dreams and imaginary future conversation were just that – figments of my imagination – because none of this ever happened because of my “boss.” She wasn’t my boss in title but since the person that the organizational chart’s solid line designated as my “real” boss worked in a different state, this individual became my team’s “designated” boss. She acted as the out-of-state boss’s eyes and ears and was supposed to be my team’s onsite acting manager. What she really was, was a bully. After reading the results of a study recently conducted by the University at Buffalo School of Management and published in the Journal of Managerial Psychology, I can report that although I demonstrated that I could be wrong in a ridiculous number of ways, I can be right on one of the most important levels…on an intuitive level. The Buffalo study found that, “some workplace bullies have high social skill that they use to strategically abuse their coworkers, yet still receive positive evaluations from their supervisors.” (Cause it’s like you’re my mirror, my mirror starin’ back at me) Ha! That describes the exact reason why the evil bosslady kept getting promoted! Even though she somehow managed to work part-time-ish (and I say “ish” because she would work from home whenever she felt like it but would never allow any of us, her TEAM members, to work from home nor did she work on Fridays). Didn’t she know that successful teams work collaboratively, with each member bringing different perspectives to the table? As a leader, didn’t she know that respect for others must be part of a team’s foundation? That strong teams embrace diversity and work collaboratively to drive successful results? Wait, don’t answer these questions as they are rhetorical in nature because of course she did not know any of this!! Plus she got to control our team and conduct our performance reviews; her authenticity and qualifications to conduct these activities were never questioned.

This boss hated other women for fear that they were prettier or skinnier than her (whether or not they were). She hated people who had different degrees than her because, god forbid, they possessed a skill set that she did not have. She hated people who were happier than her. She hated people who had more ambition than her. In fact, the only cohort she had was the lone miserable person on our team who seemed to hate life more than dogs hate the vet. Rather than recognizing that she could take advantage of the vast amount of skillsets at her disposal (my team was comprised of a CPA, an MPP, and JD and an MBA) she beat us all down. She berated us in front of others, gave us shotty performance reviews, talked about us behind our backs, and bullied us.

I am a firm believer in standing up for yourself. I am tenacious and I truly believe that if you work hard enough and believe in yourself enough, you WILL create opportunities for yourself…eventually. I landed this so called “dream job” by climbing through the window when the proverbial door was closed. I had applied for a similar position, years before, at the dream company and I did not get it. But another opportunity eventually arose, which I heard about through a friend, and I climbed right through that glass window on the 30th something floor. Here’s another one of my beliefs – successful people know which battles are worth fighting BUT they also know when to throw in the towel. Successful people know when to stop fighting. They know which battles are fruitless. So after months and months of battling against odds that I now know were never in my favor, after months of questioning my own abilities and self-worth, after ruminating over evil bosslady’s words that she spat at me after just three short months on the job (which included the Thanksgiving and Christmas season to boot!), “you just don’t get this job and I don’t know how to help you,” I threw in the towel after less than a year. Because no one, ever, EVER, should put up with someone else using their position of power to make you feel inept. No one should ever attempt to devour your self-esteem in an effort to boost hers. The day I knew I was resigning from my dream company was the day after 15-year old Phoebe Prince hanged herself in South Hadley, Massachusetts after repeated bullying. I wish Phoebe would have had a way out like I did. I wish she could have just quit and walked away.

I think it was a little less than a year after my dream job departure when I was walking down the street and I saw the bully ex-boss. “Boss” – like she even deserves that title, but whatevs. She looked at me, somewhat stunned and uttered a surprised “hi” and all I could say was “no.” And when I walked away I kept thinking, “no? no?” THAT’S what you chose to say? A Big, FAT, NO? What is wrong with you? How many times have you rehearsed in your head what you’d say if ever presented with the opportunity? So I stopped, lost myself in thought for a few moments, and came to the conclusion that none of it really mattered. Any words I would have unleashed would have been lost on her. She would have either denied her bullying behavior or (and more plausibly) she would have found comfort in the fact that her bullying strategy worked because ultimately, I was forced to leave the team, not her. Bullies don’t have empathy or sympathy or whatever. They have no conscience. I would have used my precious words and wasted more of my precious time on her and I am so glad that I turned my back to her and walked away and didn’t look back. Now I work on team with a group of amazing, strong, brilliant women who I can count on any day of the week. And I love my job. And I love my work friends. And I love my boss. And I met my husband as an indirect result of the whole bad dream job, bad boss, bullying thing. So I am richer with love and happiness than she’ll ever be. And who, being loved, is poor? Well, not me, Oscar Wilde, Not me.

Maybe if all of the bullies of the world would just shove their mouths full of Oreos before uttering damaging words, the world would be a better place.

Big shout out to Molly and Nicole. Your reassurance during those times of uncertainty means more than you know.